Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
