I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
