soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
