So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
