woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
