Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We need to get me chipped asap
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
