I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
