Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
