Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
