i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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