i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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