I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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