I feel great
I just peed on a car
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
