sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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