I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
