I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
