Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize