I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
