u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize