fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Barsexuality is the new black.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Randomize
