i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We had sex on a dog bed..
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
