I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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