Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
