you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
