Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
