when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
