She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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