Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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