It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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