Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
