just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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