god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
