some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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