u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize