why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
