I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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