OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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