So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
