your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
