put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
