We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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