i don't like sucking hair
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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