I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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