Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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