Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
