I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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