remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
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