oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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