after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
