Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
