pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize