No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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