yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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