My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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