in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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