I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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