I just pynch a tree in the face
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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