Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize