im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
