I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
